A few weeks ago, someone asked me, "So, Melissa have you always known you were gay?". Well, this seemingly simple question isn't so simple...at least not as I see it. I answered her with my standard, "not exactly." The "coming out" process is so different for everyone, that there is no real process or procedure. For me, it was more of a realization...an epiphany. I envy people that always knew...for them there is no "coming out". It just is.

As far back as I can remember, I felt different. I always felt that I was in the wrong body. That I should have been a boy. I climbed trees. I loved to work on my bike even when there wasn't anything wrong with it. I would take it apart, only to put it back together again. I was bigger than all the other girls. I played football with the boys. Once, when a big kid was picking on my older brother, I tried to beat him up. Imagine my surprise, when I found myself on the ground, crying!!! I was crying....like a girl!!!! When my cousin and I played house, I was always the daddy. In retrospect, it seems obvious, I was gay even then, but I didn't know anyone gay to compare myself with. As puberty set in, I started developing crushes on my friends. (Yes, Jennifer, I have loved you since 7th grade!) We learned in sex ed that it is was normal to have crushes on the same sex. So, I was "normal". I wasn't that different after all.

Fast forward to my early 20's...still a virgin...still never had a boyfriend, but convinced that it wasn't me. I just hadn't found the right one. After all I was NOT gay. At the ripe age of twenty four, I got drunk and finally did it. I had sex with a man. I didn't like it. But it wasn't me, it was HIM. Lord help me, I tried it with another one and then another one. I still didn't like it. Oh most certainly, there were aspects of it that I liked. I liked the kissing. I liked the holding. I even like the rubbing. But these were not the right men, because I didn't like having sex with them. It really wasn't me! It was him.

Then, when I was twenty six, a woman kissed me. It was as if I had awaken. All of a sudden life became clear. An epiphany. I was home. Holy shit...it wasn't him....it was me! Still, I knew no gay people. The only ones I knew where the obvious ones. Men who walked with a sachet and women who wore a mullet. I wasn't like that. I still didn't have anyone gay to compare myself with. So, I must be bisexual.

I went to straight bars and occasionally met other bisexual women. That was fun! As, I got older, I knew that I was leaning more and more toward women. I wanted to be around women that I didn't have to guess which side their bread was buttered. I soon discovered the gay bars. I still didn't find anyone to my liking, but at least I knew their sexuality. I was thirty when I dated a woman for the first time. I realized that I wanted to wake up next to a woman. I wanted to make coffee for her or have her make coffee for me. I realized I was gay. Yes, indeed I'm gay.